


YOU MAY BE THE KING (SHARK) BUT WATCH THE QUEEN CONQUER

by FrozenHearts



Category: Constantine: The Hellblazer (Comics), Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019), Harley Quinn (Comics), Justice League Dark: Apokolips War
Genre: American writing a british character, Applebee's Bar & Grill, Bisexual John Constantine, Blind Date, Bottom John Constantine, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Compliant, DC Animated Universe - Freeform, Established Relationship, F/F, Gen, Getting Back Together, Grey's Anatomy References, Grinding, I Watched Too Much Grey's Anatomy, I don't think it's enough to be rated M, Implied John Constantine/City of Los Angeles Personified, Implied John Constantine/Lucifer Morningstar, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, John Constantine Kissing Dudes, King Shark Is Buff, M/M, Mentioned Joker (DCU), Mentioned Lucifer Morningstar, Mild Sexual Content, Thank you Apokolips for the best thing I never knew I needed, forgive me if i am bad at that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24085918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenHearts/pseuds/FrozenHearts
Summary: Harley sets John Constantine and King Shark up on a blind date even though Ivy specifically told her not to.
Relationships: Harleen Quinzel & John Constantine, Harleen Quinzel & King Shark, Harleen Quinzel & Zatanna Zatara, King Shark/John Constantine, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 5
Kudos: 238





	YOU MAY BE THE KING (SHARK) BUT WATCH THE QUEEN CONQUER

**Author's Note:**

> Hi yes I am so here for John Constantine and weirdly sexy King Shark being ex boyfriend's so despite having never watched the movie or the animated Harley series I am writing this you can't stop me
> 
> Most of my knowledge of Harley and Poison Ivy are from the comics, Constantine from various tidbits here and there and honestly I had to Google King Shark for a bit cuz I haven't read anything he was in but he seems cool

Honestly when Harley showed up with King Shark to fight against the other guys, she knew Constantine was going to be there- Zatanna had said as much during one of their weird girls nights after getting absolutely plastered, so when she reminded Sharky what was up, she was expecting him to get a little flustered.

And who would blame the guy? John was a hottie boom-ba-lottie if she was being honest and she knew a lot of people were vying for his attention; with the husky, smoke ridden British accent and the mussed up "I just rolled out of bed" blond hair, he was a heartthrob!

What she wasn't expecting was for Constantine to be a jumble of puzzle pieces as he blushed and stammered his way through an explanation on who his ex was, and King Shark was all teeth as he grinned and winked at the guy.

"He honest to God _winked,_ Ivy!" Harley wrung her hands as she recounted the event. She was back in her apartment, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor while Ivy sat on the couch behind her, running a brush through her hair. 

"Uh-huh," Ivy said with an air of boredom, giving the brush a particularly sharp tug.

"C'mon, Ivy!" Harley groaned as Pamela pulled the brush through her hair again, "I knew Johnny Boy was into some kinky shit- I mean remember when he fucked the entire city of Los Angeles? Because I do! And when Mr. Morningstar was caught by the paps outside his apartment, like the actual Devil-"

"Harley, you're rambling," Ivy pressed a kiss to the crown of Harley's head, "and besides, if they're exes, it obviously didn't work out."

Harley knew Pamela was right- once you became exes, you stayed exes, that was just how things worked. If one of them happened to mysteriously perish in a car of Ace Chemicals and get his pasty ass and gaudy green hair melted into nothing? So be it, Harley wasn't complaining and Pam made her the happiest she'd been in years.

But for some reason, she couldn't get Constantine's rosy cheeks out of her head, nor the animalistic (pardon the pun) grin King Shark had given him and if Pam knew her well enough, she knew Harley wasn't the type to leave the possible alone. 

As if sending her thoughts, Pamela stopped brushing Harley's hair; she could feel the disapproving glare through her skull, but she ignored it, reaching across the rug to pick up her phone. 

"Don't do what I think you're doing, Harls," Pamela raised an eyebrow, "You have a PhD, use it to make a good decision for once."

"Psychologically speaking, Johnny obviously has some regrets- he kept blushing, kept avoiding Sharky's attempts at conversation and tried to dodge as much eye contact as possible," Harley counted off on her fingers with her free hand, clicking the "Send" button with confidence. Sighing, she leaned her head back against Pamela's knees, beaming up at her.

"But we aren't in a psychologist's office, we are criminals," Pamela pointed out, "Besides- who's to say you won't mess something up?"

Harley blew a raspberry at her upside-down face, "You're no fun!"

Pamela stole a quick kiss before pushing her head aside, "Someone has to be. Come on- let's catch up on Grey's Anatomy- I hear that handsome doctor you like is getting his heart broken this week."

With a heartfelt, "No! Not Jackson Avery!" Harley launched herself across the room at the television, rushing to turn the channel.

\-------

John didn't know why he listened to Harley's text in the first place. He found it funny when Rachel and Zatanna thought Harley was his ex, bit Harley telling him she set him up on a blind date? 

That was perplexing. Even more so was the fact he was actually going along with it. 

But here he was, in a dingy diner-slash-bar, sitting on an uncomfortable high-backed chair and tapping his fingers to an invisible drum on the sticky tabletop that he knew was not entirely clean and only wiped down slightly waiting for this supposedly amazing blind date that was going to blow his mind and his dick, as Harley so aptly put it in her string of texts. Smacking his lips, he let his gaze dart around the restaurant: a frazzled looking waitress was arguing with an old man over a receipt, a bus boy with heavy bags under his eyes was busy collecting dishes and the hostess was at the front podium, absentmindedly scrolling through her phone while old eighties pop music blared from the jukebox by the bar.

There wasn't a lot of people here to begin with, and John highly doubted the bus boy was his blind date anyway.

So where was this person?

I'm gonna give them five more minutes, John thought, checking his watch, then I'm gonna leave because this place sucks.

So he leaned back in his chair, letting himself people watch, and it he threw a few winks to the pretty hostess and kind of cute bus boy, well, no one was judging because the place was practically empty. His setting was empty, and he didn't really feel like eating as he waited-

"Well, fuck me sideways and call me Willy," a deep voice made John freeze, "Johnny-kins, that you?"

Oh.... oh, he knew that voice, knew that deep, raspy tone, he's had that deep, raspy tone murmuring between his thighs and while the vibrations felt amazing, the teeth were sharper than he expected and he was going to absolutely murder Harley when he managed to get out of this-

John cleared his throat, schooling his expression into something he hoped was amicable, his smile tight as he turned in his chair to smile up at his supposed blind date.

"Sharky," John gritted through his teeth, "How've ya been, darling?"

The table shook as King Shark plopped himself down into the chair across the table and John was very aware of the looks the waitstaff was throwing their way- after all, who saw a giant, muscular man with a shark head every day? He watched as King Shark picked up a menu and started flipping through it, black beady eyes narrowed as he tried reading it in the dim light. Just over King Shark's shoulder, the frazzled waitress had finally finished with her customer, raising an eyebrow as if asking for permission to approach them.

"So...." John whistled under his breath, reaching for the second menu.

"Cut the shit, Johnny," King Shark harrumphed with a small laugh, "Harley texted me too."

John blinked, "Oh, okay.... okay."

King Shark looked at him as incredulously as one with a stupidly sexy shark face could, "Okay?"

"Well, no not okay- we broke up!" John blurted, "If this is Harley's idea of a joke, she's got the wrong man-"

"Want me to eat her?" King Shark offered, and John couldn't entirely tell if he was joking or not, but honestly, once an idea got in Harley's head, there was no stopping her. Like the time she joined a roller derby for a week. Or the time she jumped off a stripper pole and broke a man's leg after he called her an idiot. Or the time she and the Joker broke up so she devised a (rather successful) plan to murder him and blow up the chemical joint where they originally solidified their relationship.

Two times out of three were completely justified, so John had to hand it to her, tricking him into a blind date with his ex boyfriend through text was a rather smart move.

"Wanker!" John reached over to snatch the menu from Shark's hands, "Stop threatening to eat my mates!"

"Oh, so you didn't like it when I protected your honor from Lucifer?"

John rolled his eyes, "Lucifer is always like that- and besides, he's dating that detective now. Nice woman, so I've heard."

King Shark said nothing, crossing his arms as he watched John search through the menu After squinting long enough his head was pounding, he finally managed to read the damn name of the place and put the menu down with a resignated sight, slumping over in his chair.

"What?" King Shark asked, humor evident in his tone.

"It's a fucking Applebees," John groaned into the table. The formica surface stuck to his cheek, "She set me up on a blind date with my ex boyfriend in a fucking Applebees!"

"They have good wings here," was all King Shark said, "besides- isn't the British equivalent, like, Hardees or something?"

"Harvester, actually," John corrected him, "but it isn't really that good anyway."

King Shark leaned over, sliding the menu out from under John's elbow, "Well, consider Applebee's a step-up then. And get your pretty face unstuck from the table, the waitress is here."

Sure enough, the young lady was waiting nervously at their table, pulling her little notepad from her apron as she looked between John and King Shark with something like apprehension. Clearing her throat, she managed a tight, "Would you two.... gentlemen like to start with an appetizer?"

Before John could open his mouth, King Shark had said something, flashed those disturbingly shiny (did he floss before he got here?) sharp teeth of his in an absolutely feral grin and the waitress hurriedly scribbled it down before practically bolting for the kitchens.

"It's gonna be like that, is it?" John didn't realize he had spoken until he watched the large double doors to the kitchen swing fully closed, taking a swig of his free water. The cup was cold against the pads of his fingers and in an attempt to look suave he almost dropped the damn thing, the surface slick with condensation; the cup practically suctioned itself to the table with it when he put it down, a small puddle forming underneath it.

"I can play nice," King Shark fidgeted in his seat, then with a husky tone, "did it before, remember?"

John cleared his throat.

"Certainly do, darling," he ground out, and made a mental note in the back of his mind to most definitely murder Harley Quinn at a later date if need be.

\-----

Jackson Avery had just done his first surgery amidst the chaos that was Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. His face was covered in sweat, his mother had purchased the hospital after getting into a tiff with Richard and Meredith Grey had just made out with yet another doctor in one of the hospital closets because that was all these doctors ever seemed to do when important stuff was going on.

And Harley found she wasn't paying much attention because she was distracted by her phone going off- well, lack of, really.

Granted, she had only texted John about an hour so ago, and King Shark an hour ahead of him, but how long did it take to meet up? She began reaching for the device until she felt Ivy nudge her, gently pulling her into her lap until Pamela was practically an octopus. A bowl of popcorn sat ignored to her left, the smell tickling Harley's nose and for a second she kind of wished inviting Zatanna because Zatanna was probably privy to all things Constantine, with the magic shit she got into with him.

"You're thinking about them again, huh?" Pamela asked, eyes glued to the screen.

"I just wanna see how it's going!" Harley squirmed an arm free, "Don't you?"

Pamela shrugged, "Not particularly. Pass the popcorn?"

The bowl was sticky with butter and Harley licked her fingers as she passed the bowl over. On the show, Jackson was getting into an argument with his current squeeze whose name Harley had already forgotten because Jackson always had a new girlfriend since the actor was super attractive and the writers probably wanted to shoehorn a romance in there somewhere since all the other characters were fucking like bunnies on the daily.

"Pretty sure real hospitals don't work like this," Pamela piped up around a mouthful of popcorn, "And no, don't check on John and King Shark, babe."

Frowning, Harley crossed her arms and settled in Pamela's lap- apparently Meredith and Jackson were arguing over who got to operate on someone after Jackson's most successful surgery.

"Fine, but if they text back then I'm answering for sure!" Harley playfully tugged at Ivy's long red hair, "Okay?"

Ivy nodded, "Whatever you say, babe."

\----

John nearly spat the poor excuse for coffee he was drinking across the table.

"I am most definitely not your babe!" John exclaimed a little louder than he would have liked, much to King Shark's obvious amusement as the waitress stood there awkwardly with the check.

King Shark waved off his protest as if it was nothing, flashing his teeth at the waitress. His gills flapped as he spoke, a quick, "Don't mind him, he gets cranky when he misses the British Bake Off," and plucked the check from her shaking fingers. John flushed as the waitress sent him a sympathetic glance before leaving and suddenly King Shark was pulling him up by the arm and out the door of the Applebee's, guiding him over to a motorcycle.

His mind was still reeling at the pet names as King Shark plonked a helmet on his head and guided him onto the seat, taking his arms and looping them around his thick tree-trunk waist and then they were at King Shark's apartment, King Shark taking John's coat and making sure to hang it in the front closet before toeing off his shoes like a proper gentleman did.

"You know if you did that to rile me up-" john caught his bearings as King Shark lead him to the couch.

"You were always cute when you got pissed," King Shark laughed, pushing John down before moving to straddle his lap. His form was hulking, overpowering and john had to crane his neck to look up at him, strong arms caging him in as they hung off the back of the couch. John returned the grin as sarcastically as he could, but up close, he couldn't deny the appeal of King Shark's bulging muscles, the sleek, shiny fin that started at the crown of his head and down his back and he felt his face flush as King Shark clenched his thighs around John's own, heat building between his legs as he gasped involuntarily.

Damn, he always knew how to get to him.

"That wasn't fair!" John failed to be stern, giggling as King Shark leaned down to lick the column of his throat with that rough tongue he used to know so well and before John knew it, he was kissing King Shark as well, needy and desperate and sloppy as King Shark practically slobbered all over him trying to kiss him back.

"And you think all your fancy party tricks are fair?" King Shark teased, grinding against him a second time.

"The curtains on fire was an accident, darling-"

"It happened three times, Johnny-kins," King Shark nuzzled his nose into John's hair, taking a deep breath and John was suddenly glad he remembered to wash his hair for once in his life. "Don't think that's an accident."

"I was excited!"

King Shark rolled his eyes, rolling up his sleeves and John licked his lips as he traced the muscles of King Shark's wrist with his index finger. He belatedly wondered if they left the door open on their way in but ultimately ignored it as King Shark took his hand and guided it to his crotch- John grinned so hard his cheeks hurt as he felt the tell-tale double bulge under King Shark's trousers, and he dared to squeeze. Just a little.

"Oooh, feisty," King Shark said in response, "Wanna take it to the bedroom, sweetheart?"

John feigned consideration, running his hands slowly up King Shark's sides, massaging the muscles there, and Christ, did he miss this-

An amused snort brought him back to reality, and John leapt from the couch, grabbing King Shark's hand and leading him in the direction of what he hoped was the bedroom.

He made a mental note to text Harley later, although as King Shark laid him out and explored every inch of him through the night until he was sore and jelly against the silk sheets and surprisingly gentle hands he forgot King Shark possessed, he promptly forgot all about Harley's trick and just enjoyed himself. Besides- King Shark splayed him out over breakfast all over again, but he wasn't complaining.

And John would never give Harley the satisfaction of being right, even when it came to his love life, but this little idea of hers ended up not being so bad after all.


End file.
